In
light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be
used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be
required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call
it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time
begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries
(with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
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